Bailey Writes

day 185/365

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 23:51:06 -0400

the smoke is thick
the air humid
lightning flashes
I can’t breathe
laughter rings clear
joy palpable
excitement on the tip of my tongue
rushing through my veins
I am a kid again
sweaty and sticky
tired and full
all I need is this
this one moment
the flashes of light
color after color
the pops
the bangs
the explosions
this is all I need

day 184

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 00:00:11 -0400

I want to know you
what makes you tick
you smile
you laugh
I want to see you breathe
the slow rise and
fall
as you inhale and
exhale
I want to know your thoughts
your hopes and dreams
what makes you
you

day 183/365

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 19:41:19 -0400

I love too much
as I watch people leave
I cry too much
as I’m left all alone
I feel too much
as I rely solely on myself
I am too much
I’ve always been too much

day 182/365

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 22:49:27 -0400

Imogen struggled to keep up with the group. Her legs were no match for the stride that Gedeon’s now possessed.

“Hey, um… where exactly are we going? I mean, I know we are going to go blow something up… but why?” She rounded the corner out of the alley way and ran into Agrona. Eyes on the ground, Imogen backed up, trying to increase the distance between The Distraction and herself. Agrona grinned, her catlike teeth gleaming in the moonlight.

“Just take this and prepare yourself.” she thrust a gasmask into Imogen’s hands. “Stay in the shadows. Tonight you’ll get to see just what we’re all about. Trust me, we’re not the bad guys, Imogen.” Agrona turned on her heels and vanished into the mass of people scrambling fearfully around in the street.

day 181/365

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 23:53:00 -0400

I open up too easily, I give it away quicker than I should. I have no restraint; the concept of keeping things in floats on by. It’s as if I want anyone and everyone to understand my pain and the problems that shape my very being. I want to be pitied, I want to be loved. And yet I have walls upon walls. I don’t trust anyone, not even myself. I am too scared to open up and let anyone in for fear that they might actually see me. I hold back when sharing, keep enough to myself for leverage. I can’t let anyone actually know my problems.

day 180/365

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 16:15:22 -0400

The colors are almost too vibrant. They seem fake. The blue sky is almost too blue, like some sort of crayola marker. The contrast between it and the green leaves of the trees that line the field is uncharacteristic. It’s too real, it’s too fake. Every detail on the blades of grass are exemplified in the summer light. Everything is too clear. I’m not used to being able to distinguish between individual leaves on which i can see the veins, sun spots, and patches of decay. There are shadows underneath the trees, but even in the absence of light the focus is clear.

day 179/365

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 16:23:56 -0400

my favorite time of day has changed. No longer the peaceful moments lying in bed before I truly wake up, warm and content. Now it’s the long drives to and from work. The push of the gas pedal and the surge of the engine. My sunglasses holding my bangs back in the wind coming from my window being rolled down. Music playing through the speakers, obnoxiously loud. I’m young and this is the life. I am in so much control. I finally feel like an adult for once in my life.

day 178/365

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 23:48:02 -0400

I am an empty shell of a being
a mistake of a soul
so much potential wasted away

I am a young tree cut down
a sign of martyred hope
so much potential wasted away

I am an ignorant, naive child
sheltered from the truth and light
so much potential wasted away

day 177/365

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 17:31:37 -0400

Click. He leaves the office building with briefcase in hand and cellphone up to his ear. His eyes are straining in the harsh sunlight now greeting him. Click. He weaves his way in and out of the crowd, desperate to hail a cab. Click. His stress and anxiety are visible on his angled face, even from her safe distance of 200 meters back. Click. Butterflies are dancing in time with the arrival of Herr Drosselmeyer. She lowers her camera and observes as a woman cloaked in rags walks up to him, her wrinkled hands stretched out in help. Her assumptions are confirmed as she watches him smile, reach into his back pocket and fish a few bills from his wallet. The woman has tears in her eyes, thanking him profusely. Click. The smile remains on his face even after the woman has left. Click. A cab finally surges forward through the traffic and he gets in. Click.

Her camera is tossed gently to the passenger seat and her fingers find the key, engine roaring to life. She finds herself humming along as she merges into the flow of the traffic. There’s no rush for she knows exactly where he’s going, just as she’s known for the past three weeks. He is predictable and she loves it.

day 176/365

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 22:41:00 -0400

the summer air is intoxicating
it’s exhilarating and inspiring
nauseating and intimidating
I want to shut it all away
stay cooped inside all day

day 175/365

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 23:45:15 -0400

they have finally faded
skin matching skin
no longer bumpy or discolored
now smooth and even
give it more time
and it will look like new
like nothing ever happened
but something did happen
more than something,
everything-
everything happened
and now it’s all gone
never to see the light of day
how am I to remember now?

day 174/365

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 23:59:40 -0400

I am a whirlpool of conflicting emotions, a sea of complete confusion. I feel nothing and everything at once. I am angry; I am livid; I am furious. Never in my all my years have I felt such a fiery passion this strong coursing through every inch of my body. I am sad; I am hopeless; I am desperate. I feel as if my walls are about to finally come crumbling down. I feel as if there is no reason to go on any more. I am scared; I am nervous; I am terrified. My breath is uneven as I feebly attempt to calm myself down. Panic is all I know, the future is lurking over my shoulder, slowly beginning to crowd my mind. I am happy; I am joyful; I am thankful. For once in my pathetic life things are finally working out. The sun is shining down on my pale skin as I laugh and take it all in; you’re only young once. The feelings are overwhelming and unbearable. How have I managed to survive this long? It’s a battle inside my mind, a power struggle in my heart. There are too many feelings and no time or energy to give. They continue waging their war, leaving me the hopeless victim. I just want it all to end. I just want to find peace in the midst of the storm.

day 173/365

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 17:51:43 -0400

Being alone is easier than I would have imagined, but then again I know nothing different. Solitary is my middle name. I have floated through life on the waves of acquaintances and colleagues; a boat rocked, tossed, and turned but never capsized. No, I have been alone all my life. I have yet to meet the one-or anyone for that matter- that twists and turns my life around. I have been blown by the wind of friendship without managing to catch hold of anything of substance. Don’t mistake my words, I am not upset at my companionless life in the slightest. I am content with the few outliers in the equation and the casual night on the town filled with awkward laughter and throbbing longings to actually belong. It’s where I feel comfortable- on the outside. It’s easy to live my life alone. There is nothing to hold me down, I am unattached. I am free to live my life in the way that I see fit, no one’s opinion matters. But every once in a while, sometimes when I return to my empty room after one of those rare night outs, I realize just how alone I am and wonder what life would be like if I had someone to talk to, to laugh with, to drape my arm across while we are lying on my threadbare sofa watching some shitty reality show. Being alone is easy, but I wonder if it’s worth it; I know nothing different than quiet nights and my own thoughts, but is it worth it?

day 172/365

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 22:33:00 -0400

It’s hot; unbearable, sweat inducing, want to pull off my skin so my insides can finally breath type of heat. It’s a heat wave, a national travesty. We should all be cooped up inside our identical suburban houses where our overpriced air conditioner units whir furiously away. We should be isolated from the deadly rays of light. The thick humid air is acting as a magnifying glass, each individual pore the cruel subject of pain. I am an ant and this is where my time will end. I feel as if I might actually die. Shade is futile and useless in every sense of the word. Refreshments are a laughingstock. There is no escape and there will be no escape. We are eternally damned in the sun’s rays.

day 171/365

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 23:05:15 -0400

I should be making memories
I say as I shut myself in for the night

I should be having an adventure
I moan as I roll over in bed

I should be living my life
I whisper as I drift off to sleep

I should be

I should

day 170/365

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 20:20:48 -0400

I just want to be loved
simplistically
effortlessly
a whole-hearted
love that flows from the sighs
slips through the fingers
seeps through the lips
selfishly I want
foolishly I crave
realistically I need
to be loved

day 169/365

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 20:49:44 -0400

When his alarm went off at 4:34 in the morning, the cheerful voices of morning radio announcers blaring in his ear, Louis thought he was literally going to punch a hole in his wall. He pulled a pillow over his head and screamed. I hate everything, he told himself, and everything hates me back. His agent was about to drop him on the ultimatum that he find a serious project worthy of their firm within three months, his girlfriend of almost two years had just decided that she needed something more serious- what could be more serious than moving halfway across the world just so they could be together- and left him, and he was somehow still working the same job that he landed when he first moved out to LA. His apartment was shit. He hadn’t seen his family since he moved out to the good ol’ USA. And to top it all off, some cheery asshole named Brittany was yelling in his ear about the traffic congestion on some highway that Louis really didn’t give a fuck about.

He breathed easier as he lifted the pillow from his face and blinked, his eyes still heavy. Some upbeat pop song that had been on replay for the past few weeks replaced Brittany’s voice and Louis felt his bad mood slip away into oblivion. Yes, music. Music was something Louis could handle, even if it had been drilled into his head by every radio station in the area. Music was the one place Louis could find solitude, comfort. Music was the one thing that never seemed to let him down. It took three songs for him to work up the strength to sit up, and another two for him to actually get out of bed, his fingers massaging his lower back as he made his way through the bedroom and out into the kitchen. Lights illuminated the room, bouncing off the stainless steel and chrome appliances. Louis bypassed it all and plugs in the kettle. Mug, tea, and sugar were located by the time it finished and soon he was holding liquid warmth in his hands. Humming to himself, Louis strode back to his bedroom. The tea was beginning to set in, the blood in his veins flowing smoother and quicker, waking him up from the inside out.

day 168/365

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 02:05:39 -0400

I hope I’m enough for you, whoever you are,
when our futures finally colide and intertwine
and I realize-months too late-that you’re mine

I hope that somehow I’m enough for you
when our fingers lace together, swinging in time
and as I smile, you assure me that you’re mine

I hope that eventually I’m enough for you
when we lie in bed, our bodies completely aligned
and I kiss you gently, whispering that you’re mine

all I hope is that I’m enough for you
when you finally realize that I’m not ‘just fine’
and maybe, just maybe, you want to stay mine

day 167/365

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 23:40:08 -0400

“sometimes I worry that I feel too much.” he glanced up at her.

“how so?”

He stared at her as she ran her fingers through her hair, what would it feel like to run his fingers through her hair? “I don’t know,” he pulled his attention away from her fingers and laughed to himself. “I suppose it’s bullshit really.”

“No, I want to know what you mean.” she smiled warmly down at him. “really, Harry. I’m intrigued.”

“It’s just, I feel too much. It’s as if every single emotion is exemplified tenfold and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m never just happy or just sad; it’s as if I’m always a combination of loads of emotions at the same time. I look around at other people and they all seem so shallow and I have this feeling that I just feel more than them. I care more than them. Whatever they are feeling I feel it more powerful than they could ever imagine.” he stopped to clear his throat. “Told you it was bullshit.”

“Nah, it’s not bullshit.”

Harry raised his eyebrows and smirked. “you’re lying.”

“No, I’m really not.” She brushed her bangs out of her eyes- I want to brush her bangs out of her eyes- and smiled reassuringly. “While I don’t understand completely, I can agree with you that the assholes in this town don’t feel shit. There are only a few sane people left and after I leave you will probably be all alone.”

“yea, thanks for that by the way.”

“I can’t help it that I have bigger and better things planned for my life than this shit place we call home.” her voice rose as she spoke, echoing into the night sky.

Harry smiled to himself and the image of a pair of blue eyes flashed into his head. “yea,” he echoed, “a real shit place

day 166/365

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 17:10:00 -0400

you should take care
as to not fall in love with me
not even a little bit
keep your feelings at bay
and your head under heels
trust me when I say
you would regret it
so guard your heart
take a few steps back
while I may fall in love with you
it would be unwise to love me