day 185/365
the smoke is thick
the air humid
lightning flashes
I can’t breathe
laughter rings clear
joy palpable
excitement on the tip of my tongue
rushing through my veins
I am a kid again
sweaty and sticky
tired and full
all I need is this
this one moment
the flashes of light
color after color
the pops
the bangs
the explosions
this is all I need
day 184
I want to know you
what makes you tick
you smile
you laugh
I want to see you breathe
the slow rise and
fall
as you inhale and
exhale
I want to know your thoughts
your hopes and dreams
what makes you
you
day 183/365
I love too much
as I watch people leave
I cry too much
as I’m left all alone
I feel too much
as I rely solely on myself
I am too much
I’ve always been too much
day 181/365
I open up too easily, I give it away quicker than I should. I have no restraint; the concept of keeping things in floats on by. It’s as if I want anyone and everyone to understand my pain and the problems that shape my very being. I want to be pitied, I want to be loved. And yet I have walls upon walls. I don’t trust anyone, not even myself. I am too scared to open up and let anyone in for fear that they might actually see me. I hold back when sharing, keep enough to myself for leverage. I can’t let anyone actually know my problems.
day 179/365
my favorite time of day has changed. No longer the peaceful moments lying in bed before I truly wake up, warm and content. Now it’s the long drives to and from work. The push of the gas pedal and the surge of the engine. My sunglasses holding my bangs back in the wind coming from my window being rolled down. Music playing through the speakers, obnoxiously loud. I’m young and this is the life. I am in so much control. I finally feel like an adult for once in my life.
day 178/365
I am an empty shell of a being
a mistake of a soul
so much potential wasted away
I am a young tree cut down
a sign of martyred hope
so much potential wasted away
I am an ignorant, naive child
sheltered from the truth and light
so much potential wasted away
day 176/365
the summer air is intoxicating
it’s exhilarating and inspiring
nauseating and intimidating
I want to shut it all away
stay cooped inside all day
day 175/365
they have finally faded
skin matching skin
no longer bumpy or discolored
now smooth and even
give it more time
and it will look like new
like nothing ever happened
but something did happen
more than something,
everything-
everything happened
and now it’s all gone
never to see the light of day
how am I to remember now?
day 174/365
I am a whirlpool of conflicting emotions, a sea of complete confusion. I feel nothing and everything at once. I am angry; I am livid; I am furious. Never in my all my years have I felt such a fiery passion this strong coursing through every inch of my body. I am sad; I am hopeless; I am desperate. I feel as if my walls are about to finally come crumbling down. I feel as if there is no reason to go on any more. I am scared; I am nervous; I am terrified. My breath is uneven as I feebly attempt to calm myself down. Panic is all I know, the future is lurking over my shoulder, slowly beginning to crowd my mind. I am happy; I am joyful; I am thankful. For once in my pathetic life things are finally working out. The sun is shining down on my pale skin as I laugh and take it all in; you’re only young once. The feelings are overwhelming and unbearable. How have I managed to survive this long? It’s a battle inside my mind, a power struggle in my heart. There are too many feelings and no time or energy to give. They continue waging their war, leaving me the hopeless victim. I just want it all to end. I just want to find peace in the midst of the storm.
day 173/365
Being alone is easier than I would have imagined, but then again I know nothing different. Solitary is my middle name. I have floated through life on the waves of acquaintances and colleagues; a boat rocked, tossed, and turned but never capsized. No, I have been alone all my life. I have yet to meet the one-or anyone for that matter- that twists and turns my life around. I have been blown by the wind of friendship without managing to catch hold of anything of substance. Don’t mistake my words, I am not upset at my companionless life in the slightest. I am content with the few outliers in the equation and the casual night on the town filled with awkward laughter and throbbing longings to actually belong. It’s where I feel comfortable- on the outside. It’s easy to live my life alone. There is nothing to hold me down, I am unattached. I am free to live my life in the way that I see fit, no one’s opinion matters. But every once in a while, sometimes when I return to my empty room after one of those rare night outs, I realize just how alone I am and wonder what life would be like if I had someone to talk to, to laugh with, to drape my arm across while we are lying on my threadbare sofa watching some shitty reality show. Being alone is easy, but I wonder if it’s worth it; I know nothing different than quiet nights and my own thoughts, but is it worth it?
